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The God You Know
Summery Xena and Gabrielle come across a killing field. People are beheaded, hung, stabbed, and dead in all ways imaginable. Who did this? Michael the Archangel pops in. Xena pulls her sword. She is not happy to see him. Michael says Caligula did the killing. He tells Xena that Caligula is immortal and a god and that Xena needs to go see him, since she has the power to kill gods. He talks about all the bad things Caligula does, including killing Eligians, and tells Xena that Eve has gone to Rome to try to stop Caligula. Xena tells Michael not to forget that she can kill angels, too. Xena and Gabrielle ride off. Caligula rides through the streets of Rome, dragging bodies. He goes to a person, hands him a sword, asks him to stab him. The fellow does, Caligula does not bleed. He says everyone can pray to him and his cult of blood. Some old man says he can't forsake his gods, and Caligula tells his guards to kill him. Eve steps in to stop him. She talks about the God of Eli. Eve is caught. Xena rides in on a chariot. Gabrielle slips in and takes Eve away to safety. Xena attacks the guards. Ares slips into the crowd. Xena jumps out of the chariot and lands in front of Caligula. She goes to kill him, but Ares runs from the crowd and pushes her aside. He tells an angry Xena that if she kills Caligula, she also kills Aphrodite. He says the lives of Caligula and Aphrodite are bound together somehow. Gabrielle tells Eve to get over being rescued and to go to the catacombs with the other Eligians. Aphrodite appears. She admires Caligula, goes up to Ares and rubs on him. Xena watches. Caligula kisses Aphrodite and Aphrodite faints. Caligula turns his attention to Xena, who has on a half mask, but Gabrielle suddenly pops in front of him. She says she is "Cinda of Thrace" and she represents "Saaba" who wanted to ask Caligula for a chariot race before she was interrupted by Ares. Caligula is intrigued and says okay, be my guests for a bit. Xena and Gabrielle bath. Xena washes Gabrielle's foot. Xena says she doesn't want Eve to get hurt. She talks about Caligula's genocide and his cult of blood. She wonders what the link is between Aphrodite and Caligula. She gets out of the tub and tells Gabrielle she's going to the dungeon to see Ares. Gabrielle goes to the party. She goes to Aphrodite, but Aphrodite doesn't recognize Gabrielle. Aphrodite acts drugged or drunk. She walks out into the hallway and tries to kiss Gabrielle. Caligula misses Aphrodite and finds Aphrodite attempting to kiss Gabrielle again. Caligula tells Gabrielle that Saaba is late and she will die for it. Ares tells Xena that the God of Love becomes unbalanced without the God of War. Caligula is a succubus, sucking the godhood out of Aphrodite. Gabrielle decides to stall for time by performing a dance (The Amazon Dance of Fire, I hereby dub it). As she ends, Xena appears behind her and Gabrielle tells her Aphrodite doesn't recognize them. Caligula expresses his disappointment in Saaba's tardiness. Xena disrobes. She is really underdressed. She tells Caligula she will pass all the tests he requires of her. Caligula brings out Ares and tells Xena to kill him. Xena says okay, but there's a floor show Cinda and I used to do and we'd like to perform it first. She gets all hot with Ares and asks Caligula if he'd like to participate. He says no. Xena goes to him and kisses him and bites his lip. Ares and Gabrielle watch Xena seduce Caligula. Xena goes back to Ares and kisses his nipple. Caligula's lip bleeds. He tells the guards to put Saaba in chains and he shrieks a lot and runs everyone out of the room. He also hits Aphrodite. He asks a guard to stab his arm. The knife goes in and out and leaves no wound. "My sweet immortality" Caligula says. Aphrodite's head bleeds a little from where Caligula hit her. Gabrielle talks to Aphrodite and keeps telling her they are friends. Aphrodite goes to do the god-disappearing thing but can't. Caligula confronts Xena. Xena is chained. Saaba tells Caligula that she is the Celtic Goddess of Sex and she came to join him in his orgies. She says she has the ability to pierce the veil of immortality and it's a risk not to keep her around. She tells Caligula to get rid of Aphrodite because she's puny; two healthy gods are better. Xena performs a leap, cuts her chains, and walks out. She tells Caligula as she leaves that she makes a very good friend and even better enemy. Caligula is haunted by the voice of his mother. He goes nuts. Michael the Archangel appears to him, laughing. Eve prays in a circle of Eligians. Michael appears to her. He leads her away. He tells her to have no fear. Caligula broods. Eve is brought to him. Eve preaches. Caligula pulls out a knife and goes to kill her. Xena interrupts. She punches out Eve, knocking her unconscious, and tells Caligula he should kill the messenger of Eli in front of lots of people. Caligula tells Xena that a demon with wings came to him and told him he needed to kill Eve. Gabrielle tries to console and upset and unbalanced Aphrodite. Michael appears. He raises his sword. Xena runs in the room and attacks him. "Now you go after my girlfriends," she says. Xena and Michael fight. Xena knocks him into the big spa. She does her Xena touch on Michael, and keeps pushing his head under water. Michael says he wasn't trying to kill Gabrielle, just Aphrodite, because if Caligula kisses Aphrodite one last time he will become a full god. Xena keeps pushing Michael under water, even though Gabrielle says "Xena, please." Xena asks Michael what happens to angels when they die. The BEAMER comes down; Xena is awash in flames. Michael laughs, disappears. The light goes off Xena; she's weak, she tells Gabrielle the power to kill gods is gone. Caligula enters the room. He kisses Aphrodite and gets a mouth of flame. Xena punches Caligula, who interprets that as a jealous love tap. Caligula does the godhood disappearing trick. Gabrielle comforts Aphrodite, who is now mortal. The bond between Caligula and Aphrodite has been broken and Aphrodite remembers Gabrielle. Xena goes to Eve and Ares in the dungeon. Aphrodite has her mind back, Xena says, but Caligula is now a god. Xena tells Eve she's sorry, but Eve is not a happy camper. She tells Xena stuff is her choice. Xena says, but she's the Mom. Eve tells Xena she can't protect her all the time. Xena says its funny you should say that. Xena drags Eve behind a chariot. The guards tie Eve to a post. Xena (with her mask on) watches. Caligula enters. He tells the Roman people that there will be a chariot race between him and his soon-to-be new queen, the Goddess Saaba. The victor in the race will kill Eve. They go to the chariots. They race. Caligula tosses off a few ill-timed fireballs. Xena pulls ahead at the end and then Caligula wrecks his chariot. Xena wins the race. (The race is run to actual honest-to-goodness XENA music, for anyone who cares.) Xena takes off her mask. Gabrielle yells out, "It's Xena, Warrior Princess." The crowd mutters. Caligula says oh yeah, you're the godslayer. And the mother of the Whore of Rome, as you called my daughter, Xena says. Caligula looks nervous. The crowd chants, "Xena! Xena!" Xena tells Caligula he hasn't got a prayer; she's been killing gods for years and he can't even toss a fireball properly. Caligula tells the crowd they should love him and someone throws something at him. He is unhappy because the crowd doesn't like him. Xena tells him he should kill himself; that will put everyone out of their misery and his name will live forever, but if she kills him, he'll just be another god she slays. Caligula stabs himself and dies. Xena, Gabrielle and Eve walk off. Xena stands before a flame. She says she feels dirty. Caligula was not evil, she says. Aphrodite does not like being mortal. Ares says join the club. Aphrodite asks Gabrielle if they are really friends. Xena says okay, it's time to go. Eve asks Xena if she is sorry she lost her greatest gift. Xena, with her arms around Gabrielle and Eve, says that she has her two greatest gifts right there and she has no intention of losing either of them.